You start going back over everything
You start going back over everything.
The coffee you drank that morning.
The workout you did before you knew.
The week at work when you barely stopped.
The glass of wine.
The flight.
The hot bath.
The supplement you forgot to take.
Something somebody mentioned in a fertility group at 11pm that you've never even heard of before.
You know you can drive yourself mad doing this.
You know there may never be one neat explanation you can point to.
But after you've lost another pregnancy, your brain still goes looking.
Because when nobody can tell you why it happened, it's very easy to start wondering whether the answer is hidden somewhere in something you did.
Or didn't do.
And that can quietly change the way you approach trying again.
You add another supplement.
Cut something else out.
Research another test.
Save another post.
Promise yourself you'll be even more careful next time.
Before long, you're carrying the responsibility of trying to work out what matters from an enormous amount of information, while also carrying everything that comes with losing a pregnancy you desperately wanted.
That's a lot for one person.
And I think this is one of the parts of recurrent miscarriage we don't talk about enough.
The need to understand.
Not because understanding can guarantee what happens next.
Because when you've already been through this, another pregnancy can feel too important to enter with a head full of things you're frightened you might have missed.
On 29 September, our next Fertility-Fit webinar will be about recurrent miscarriage.
We'll be talking about some of the questions that can sit behind that constant searching, what may be worth exploring after recurrent loss, and how to begin making sense of your own picture before deciding what comes next.
If you've ever found yourself lying awake mentally retracing a pregnancy, trying to work out whether there was something you should have known...
I hope you'll come.
For now, keep 29 September in your diary.
Stay tuned for sign-up details.
Claire
Fertility-Fit
